Ask Malcom
Welcome to Malcolm’s Desk.
As Executive Personal Assistant and Demonic Liaison to the Archangel Lucifer, I’m naturally very busy. Who wouldn’t be? However it’s come to my attention that you might have questions that I can help with. In an effort to improve our outreach, the boss asked me to see what I could do. He honestly doesn’t believe that any humans will actually send in questions and may have expected me to limit the website’s access to H.E. LLc’s employees—but he didn’t forbid me to open it up a bit…
So let’s see what happens, shall we?
First off, let’s get the FAQs out of the way.
Q: Is that the Lucifer we’re talking about here?
A: Well, not the original, of course! The first Lucifer didn’t last very long. He didn’t have me—or any real infrastructure or management experience, so it was far too brutal a position for one Archangel to take on. We’re on the seventh Lucifer and I’ll admit, my current boss is a personal favorite.
Q: You mean, someone is applying for the job of Satan?
A: They don't post the title with the job description when they put it out. You’d be surprised at how appealing it looks without the name. Executive position, working directly with Upper Management, travel, no heavy lifting… I can see how an Archangel would raise his hand, can’t you?
Q: So…Hell is…Fire? Brimstone?
A: Who could work in those conditions? I’m afraid it’s all carpeting and cubicles. Only demons hold positions in the company and frankly, it’s all pretty routine (for the most part). It’s a grind (data entry, statistical analysis, communications tracking and human research) but we take pride in playing our part. We’ve been hands off for thousands of years and so the recent shift by Upper Management to make sure that all the departments (of Heaven and Hell) were working more closely together has been very welcomed. There’s been talk of a huge corporate picnic or event, but no one can decide on the venue so that’s on hold for now.
Q: Where is Hell?
A: It moves around. It’s hard to explain, but we usually appear as a 66-story black marble and reflective glass skyscraper…although we did try the subterranean thing once. But it resembled a train/subway station and everyone complained about the lack of ventilation.
Q: What does a demon look like?
A: Modesty isn’t our strong suit. Thanks to a fantastic bit of negotiation when the companies transferred to this physical plane (big kudos to our labor unions!), we are drop dead gorgeous. These human-like forms are just fabulously fun and I’ve heard no complaints about anyone’s assigned appearance.
Q: What about the great battle between good and evil? What about Armageddon?
A: That’s two questions. I’m going to ask you to restrain yourself a bit. Battle? We have a lot of departments and a few do employ Field Agents (a very few!) but the truth is, we do not possess a standing army of any kind. If there’s a war brewing, I’m sure I’d see an office pool on it in the break room. So far, the only war cooking is a bit of online gaming between our accounting departments, but that’s mostly to relieve boredom and both sides of management have agreed not to call them on it.
Q: And Armageddon?
A: I hope not. Humans are driving that vehicle. We’re just the unlucky demons who bought tickets for the back of the bus. Everyone is hoping that you’ll hit the brakes before…well…before things get ugly.
Q: Are vampires real?
A: *sigh*
And with that stupidity, I’m going to close out the Frequently Asked Questions. If a blood demon, and I’m not saying this has ever happened, got through to the physical plane without first going through Orientation in the Demonic Resources department, there might have been a misunderstanding. I’m not saying it happened.
I’m simply asking for people to let it go.
As Executive Personal Assistant and Demonic Liaison to the Archangel Lucifer, I’m naturally very busy. Who wouldn’t be? However it’s come to my attention that you might have questions that I can help with. In an effort to improve our outreach, the boss asked me to see what I could do. He honestly doesn’t believe that any humans will actually send in questions and may have expected me to limit the website’s access to H.E. LLc’s employees—but he didn’t forbid me to open it up a bit…
So let’s see what happens, shall we?
First off, let’s get the FAQs out of the way.
Q: Is that the Lucifer we’re talking about here?
A: Well, not the original, of course! The first Lucifer didn’t last very long. He didn’t have me—or any real infrastructure or management experience, so it was far too brutal a position for one Archangel to take on. We’re on the seventh Lucifer and I’ll admit, my current boss is a personal favorite.
Q: You mean, someone is applying for the job of Satan?
A: They don't post the title with the job description when they put it out. You’d be surprised at how appealing it looks without the name. Executive position, working directly with Upper Management, travel, no heavy lifting… I can see how an Archangel would raise his hand, can’t you?
Q: So…Hell is…Fire? Brimstone?
A: Who could work in those conditions? I’m afraid it’s all carpeting and cubicles. Only demons hold positions in the company and frankly, it’s all pretty routine (for the most part). It’s a grind (data entry, statistical analysis, communications tracking and human research) but we take pride in playing our part. We’ve been hands off for thousands of years and so the recent shift by Upper Management to make sure that all the departments (of Heaven and Hell) were working more closely together has been very welcomed. There’s been talk of a huge corporate picnic or event, but no one can decide on the venue so that’s on hold for now.
Q: Where is Hell?
A: It moves around. It’s hard to explain, but we usually appear as a 66-story black marble and reflective glass skyscraper…although we did try the subterranean thing once. But it resembled a train/subway station and everyone complained about the lack of ventilation.
Q: What does a demon look like?
A: Modesty isn’t our strong suit. Thanks to a fantastic bit of negotiation when the companies transferred to this physical plane (big kudos to our labor unions!), we are drop dead gorgeous. These human-like forms are just fabulously fun and I’ve heard no complaints about anyone’s assigned appearance.
Q: What about the great battle between good and evil? What about Armageddon?
A: That’s two questions. I’m going to ask you to restrain yourself a bit. Battle? We have a lot of departments and a few do employ Field Agents (a very few!) but the truth is, we do not possess a standing army of any kind. If there’s a war brewing, I’m sure I’d see an office pool on it in the break room. So far, the only war cooking is a bit of online gaming between our accounting departments, but that’s mostly to relieve boredom and both sides of management have agreed not to call them on it.
Q: And Armageddon?
A: I hope not. Humans are driving that vehicle. We’re just the unlucky demons who bought tickets for the back of the bus. Everyone is hoping that you’ll hit the brakes before…well…before things get ugly.
Q: Are vampires real?
A: *sigh*
And with that stupidity, I’m going to close out the Frequently Asked Questions. If a blood demon, and I’m not saying this has ever happened, got through to the physical plane without first going through Orientation in the Demonic Resources department, there might have been a misunderstanding. I’m not saying it happened.
I’m simply asking for people to let it go.
